Mount Crapatoa

There are many things in this mean old world of ours that I don't understand.  I don't understand why people want vampires that send them FTD bouquets.  I don't understand why people like music without melodies.  I don't understand Mandarin Chinese.  I could fill a book with all the things I don't understand.  And I think I'd have to dedicate a chapter of that book to the subject of alcohol snobs and their expensive follies. Those of us who drink professionally understand that the goal of the entire imbibication process is inebriation, not another extraneous culinary experience.   Anything that gets in the way of that inebriation is the enemy, and there are several things that can get in the way.  Sugary, fruity, girly drinks, for example.  You can't drink very much of that stuff without losing your ethnic cuisine in the nearest alley, and puking is enough to dampen any sensible person's fun.  Some people never learn that lesson....

Many of you probably aren't aware of the miraculous fun to be found on Christian television. You likely have three or four or more of these channels being beamed into your home free of charge, but you skim by them as quickly as your sinful fingers will carry you. I'm here to suggest that you pause a moment and revel in the horrifying display. I vow that you won't be sorry, because finding entertainment on Christian television is as easy as drowning in the river Jordan. Consider this a covenant. Let's begin with Jack Van Impe. I quit believing in God when I was 14, and I started watching Jack Van Impe Presents at around the same time. For a kid hooked on the horror of The Omen , Jack was like manna from heaven. He would sit there and predict the end of the world every week. And, sonofabitch, he's still doing it over 20 years later. The format of the show is delightfully unchanged after all these decades. Jack's chronically chipper wife, Rexella, reads brief ex...

Do Not Think Thoughts So, there's this movie about a race of idyllic creatures who live in a forest and take soul-giving sustenance from their natural surroundings. There's an evil force that wants to destroy nature and make all the noble savages get real jobs. The movie was filmed using some weird technique that makes everything look the way nothing in life has ever looked. You've probably already guessed the movie I'm talking about. Yes, it's Warriors of Virtue . I first heard about this film when I read that it made a film critic vomit . In my world, that sounds like high praise. I had to see it. I was not disappointed. Or rather, I was disappointed, which for me is the same as being satisfied. The movie was released back in 1997 as a joint venture between Chinese and American “filmmakers”. I'm not smart enough to know how they filmed it, but I do know that during the action sequences the figures on screen look both slowed down and sped up and fuzzy. I...

We suffer from a perpetual shortage of awesome. There are only so many Shakespeares, Mozarts, Scorseses and DeBarges to go around. And yet our days are filled with all these endless empty hours that cry out to be filled with diversion. That's why I decided in my youth to embrace crap. Because crap is eternal. Crap is cheap. There is no shortage of crap. I've spent much of my life in the pursuit of bigger and better crap. I am a crapoisseur. It seems a shame for me to allow my accumulated crap to simply putrefy, unshared. I have determined that I shall no longer hide my crap under a bushel. A wise man once said that if you love your crap, you have to set it free. That wise man was me. Of course, I won't be writing about just any old crap. There are already plenty of places where the undiscerning garbage-monger can wallow in the popular sewage-sucking mainstream. No, I reserve my time for the crap that goes above and beyond the call of crap and plops down in a place of awf...