Friday, August 19, 2011

Mount Crapatoa Mail Bag

I long ago stopped being bothered by spam, which is proof that humans can get used to anything.  In fact, I've become something of a connoisseur of the form.  We've been automatically filtering and deleting these things for so long that I fear we might have lost sight of their literary merit.  Over the last couple of months, I've collected my favorite examples in order to post them here.  For you.  You're welcome.  Again.  

My overriding thought as I read these is "Jesus rambling Christ, someone actually wrote this".  It's true. Somewhere out there, a human being sat down and wrote these things.  They thought they were being clever.  They thought they were being manipulative.  They thought they spoke English.   

Her friends call her “Lucky”
I am Mrs Kim Abbott ,I am 51 years old,i am deaf and suffering
from a long time cancer of the lungs which also affected my
brain,from all indication my conditions is really deteriorating
and it is quite obvious that, according to my doctors they have
advised me that i may not live for the next two months,this is
because the cancer stage has gotten to a very bad stage.
I was brought up from a motherless babies home, was married to my
late husband for twenty years without a child.My husband died in a
fatal motor accident.Before his death we were true Christians. Since
his death I decided not to re-marry,I sold all my inherited
belongings and deposited all the sum of $18.5million dollars with a
Bank.

Presently, this money is still with them and the management just
wrote me as the true owner to come forward to receive the money
for keeping it so long or rather issue a letter of authorization
to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I can not come over
because of my illness or they get it confisticated.

Presently, I'm with my laptop in a hospital where I have been
undergoing treatment for cancer of the lungs. I have since lost my
ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few
months to live. It is my last wish to see that this money is invested
to any organisation of your choice and distributed each year among the
charity organization,the poor and the motherless babies home where i
come from.I want you God fearing, to also use this money to fund
churches, orphanages and widows.




I took this decision, before i rest in peace because my time will
soon be up. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the
contact of the Bank.I will also issue you a letter of
authority that will prove you as the new beneficiary of my fund.
Please assure me that you will act accordingly act as I stated herein.
Hoping to hear from you soon. Waiting for your reply.


Yours in Christ,
Mrs Kim Abbott


The Rosetta Stone of Grammatical Errors
YOUR FULL RESPECT,

THIS DEPARTMENT OFFICE WESTERN UNION HAVE BEEN INSTRUCTED TO SEND YOUR FUND TO YOUR LOCATION IN YOUR CITY FROM THE DIAMOND WESTERN UNION  DEPARTMENT HERE IN BENIN REPUBLIC.YOU WILL BE RECEIVING YOUR FUND ( $4500.00 U.S.D ) PER DAY AND YOU WILL RECEIVE THE TOTAL SUM OF ($950.000.00 Us dollars) I WANT TO USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO INFORM YOU THAT GOVERNMENT IS PLANING TO CANCEL YOUR WINNER FUNDS AND TRANSFER IT INTO GOVERNMENT ACCOUNTS IF WE DID NOT HEAR FROM YOU WITHING 2DAYS YOU ARE REQUIRE TO SEND US OUR TRANSFER CHARGES THE SUM OF $49.00USD FOR THE $4500.00 U.S.D THAT WE HAVE ALREADY SEND, MEANWHILE SEND THE$49.00USD TO US IMMEDIATELY TODAY FOR FASTER SENDING OF YOUR FUND CORRECTLY BY TOMORROW MORNING...


AFTER THE MONEY HAVE BEEN TRANSFERRED CORRECTLY TO YOUR ADDRESS WE WILL MAIL YOU THE PAYMENT INFORMATION'S YOU NEED TO PICK UP YOUR MONEY IN ANY WESTERN UNION AROUND YOUR LOCATION CORRECTLY BECAUSE THE ONE THAT IS HERE IS NOT CORRECT BECAUSE WE HAVE NOT RECEIVED OUR $39.00 U S D ONLY. REASON WHY WE NEED YOU TO SEND US THE $49.00 U S D IS THAT WE TRIED TO DEDUCT THE TRANSFERRING FEE OUT FROM YOUR FUND BUT THE MINISTER ADMINISTRATOR TRUST FUND OF BENIN REPUBLIC TOLD US THAT NO ONE HAS RIGHT OVER YOUR FUND AS IT HAVE BEEN SIGNED AND STAMPED THAT NO MONEY SHOULD BE DEDUCTED UNTIL IT GETS TO YOUR HANDS TO AVOID STEALING SOME OF THE FUNDS SO IF YOU WANT TO TRACK THE MONEY AND CONFIRM IF THE FUNDS IS TRANSFERRED ENTER OUR CODE HERE IS THE CONTACT INFORMATION OF WESTERN UNION




DIRECTOR GENERAL…MR. PETER WILLIAMS
EMAIL ADRESS ... Email :( western.unionbenin12@w.cn  )
PHONE NUMBER :+229-98-721-558.
THEN CLICK TRACKING AND ENTER THE M TC N  NUMBER; 2612591885 ENTER SENDERS FIRST John .....ENTER SENDERS LAST NAME..Mike. AND CLICK TRACKING AND
IT WILL SHOW YOU THAT YOUR FUNDS IS AVAILABLE FOR YOU TO PICK IT UP SENDER NAME:HARRY PORTER,

WWW.WESTERN
SENDER'S NAME:==== John Mike
TEXT QUESTION:=======SENT?
ANSWER:==============TO YOU.
AMOUNT:===============$4500,00.
M T C N:================== :2612591885
 
http://www.westernunion.com/info/selectCountry.asp
FIN ALL YOUR GENT SEND US THE $49.00 U S D TO ENABLE US PROCEED ON YOUR PAYMENT IMMEDIATELY RIGHT.BELOW IS OUR ACCOUNT'S INFORMATION FOR YOU TO SEND THE $49.00 USD THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER BEEN OUR TRANSFERRING CHARGEFOR YOUR $4500.00 U S D,
1.Receiver Name :=======OKOLO AUGUSTINE .
2.City/Country:==========Cotonou - Benin Republic.
3.Question=============Who is Able
4.Answer:=============God
5. Amonut :=============$49.00
6. M TCN:=========
7.Sender Name=====
YOUR URGENT RESPOND IS HIGHLY NEEDED .

WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU AS SOON AS YOU RECEIVE THIS MESSAGE TO QUICKEN THE PROCESS OF THE RELEASING YOUR PAYMENT TO YOU TODAY.
THEN CONTACT US WITH YOUR FULL INFORMATION.
EMAIL ADRESS :( western.unionbenin12@w.cn )
PHONE NUMBER :+229-98-721-558.
UNION.COM

the bisexual masturbating girl scout who is moving to my hometown, who keeps sending me this same email under different names due to technical problems, and who I have engaged in stimulating conversation, apparently before my sudden-onset amnesia destroyed the blessed memory, but that’s ok because I can chat with her again for free at least once and don’t any of you dare use my special promo code!
Hi again. how u doing babe? in case u dont remember me its ME Jackie Sapp !!! met ya off cl lol. i wanna say sorry for takign a while to email ya again. my internet and laptop are both completely screwed up....my I.M. is also.. such a pain in the butt! i have also been tied up getting ready to move..sorry if u get this email more than once also because like i said my email and stuff keep freezing so i dunno whats happening. I was happy that we chatted briefly by email...i am really relieved that I will know somoene OTHER than my aunt when I move... relieves a bit of stress..I think we shoudl chat as much as possible before I move so we can get to know one another and that way when we meet we will feel like we have already known each other for a while lol :) You will find out soon enough that I am a good talker and sometimes need to be told to stop babbling lol! So you must be a popular guy, do you have a lot of firends there? who do you live with? what do u do for work and stuff? I woudl liek to meet some of you friends.. girls or guys doesnt matter im cool with both :) im bi lol! Whatcha do for fun and all that? like in your spare time? spend a lot of time online chatting? I DO! I am actually excited to move now and meet up with ya.. I am way overdue for a change and my rent here is soo expensive..plus i have student loan to pay back so it will give me kinda a fresh start ya know! So I am finally single after 2 years of HELL lol.. was with my ex for just abotu 22 months and he was such a tool. didnt respect me or treat me how i deserved.. im soo happy to be moved on, another reason why i am moving.. u got a girlfriend? I also wanted to ask you if you know anyone hiring right now? I need to find a job and I thought maybe u could help me? Like maybe u know a club owner or restaurant owner who will hire me? im good at serving :) Ok so I guess you want to know a bit more info about me right ? ok sooooooo... I am a big rhianna fan, I love music, mainly 80's, dance, hip hop top 40. I love to hang out and shop and dance and tan.. I love all types of men and women.. I am an amazing girlfriend if iI find the right guy, ill do anythign for them.. even in bed im totally open minded and will do basiclly anything.. I am a pretty positive person, i am smart, always got good marks in school, i am loyal honest trust worthy friendly happy and VERY talkative lol..I am also BIG on playing with myself and my toys lol.. sorry to be blunt but who doesnt lol? in bed i love doggy and i love it rough! spank me baby lol...Ok so let me explain to you a bit more about my job cause I know you're wondering right? ok so basicly I get paid to chat with people and take my clothes off and touch myself.. 3 things I LOVE doing anyways so why not make $ at it right? of course some guys judge me and look down on it, and im REALLLY hoping you're not like that or Ill be sad :( but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do... I really like my job its easy and its good $ which is what i need cause of my shitty financial situation :( So i am working like 24-7 trying to save $ for the move in a few days... and since i was wanting to chat with u more heres the idea i came up with.. every few months my company gives me 3 promos passes to give out to whoever i want.. with this pass you are able to chat me on my site for free.. unl;ike everyone else who has to pay lol.. so i was gonna give u one of these so u can coem chat me.. its totally up to u and i completelety understand if u dont want to come to my chat room to chat me.. its just alot easier that way cause im logged in there most of the time now and my messenger and email keeps freezing (ill be shocked if this email even gets through to you)... So i can give u one of my promo links but on ONE condition.. U ABSILUTELY cannot share it with anyone.. u cannot let any of ur freinds have it or i can get in trouble.. im trusting that u will keep it juyst for urself! is that cool? with this pass u can sign in whenever u want and chat me and see me at NO costs.. 0.00 where for everyone else its 5$....this way we can chat more and thenw e will feel a lot more comfortable when we meet up soon :) Now just so u know.. u still have to prove your over 18 by putting in your C.C but thats just for age ver!f!cation...babe im really trusting u and im really hoping we can chat... please dont let ur friends sign in wiht this link PLEASEEEEEE!!! i want to exchange cell numbers with u once u login as well as my new address and stuff.. i need u to help me move on moving day please if u dont mind? ill make it up to u.. diner on me + a massage for all your sore muscles lol.. ok here u go.. im signed in now and waiting so come nwo if u can... chat in a few mins.. go here ->> lhttp://bit.ly/n2l8Or  <- XOX