Skip to main content

Holy Crap: Jack Van Impe Presents

Many of you probably aren't aware of the miraculous fun to be found on Christian television. You likely have three or four or more of these channels being beamed into your home free of charge, but you skim by them as quickly as your sinful fingers will carry you. I'm here to suggest that you pause a moment and revel in the horrifying display. I vow that you won't be sorry, because finding entertainment on Christian television is as easy as drowning in the river Jordan. Consider this a covenant.

Let's begin with Jack Van Impe. I quit believing in God when I was 14, and I started watching Jack Van Impe Presents at around the same time. For a kid hooked on the horror of The Omen, Jack was like manna from heaven. He would sit there and predict the end of the world every week. And, sonofabitch, he's still doing it over 20 years later.

The format of the show is delightfully unchanged after all these decades. Jack's chronically chipper wife, Rexella, reads brief excerpts of news stories from the last week. She then asks Jack what the stories mean. Jack explains that the stories mean that Jesus is returning at around midnight. Rexella praises Jack for his brilliance. Jack chuckles in acceptance of the praise. Then, they throw it to an announcer who hawks DVDs and books.

Rexella Van Impe fascinates me. She's a perfectly Stepford kind of wife. Seemingly. I have my dark fantasies, though. I think that when the studio lights are dimmed, Rexella stays behind to light the black candles and sharpen the knives. I imagine that she sacrifices bunnies and plays naked Twister with Satan. But maybe that's just me.

I remember when Jack seemed certain that Pope John Paul II was the Antichrist, but then that Pope up and died without taking the rest of us with him. These days, Jack likes to insinuate that President Obama is the Evil One. He's a bit cagey about it, though. I suppose that when you've been predicting that one world leader after another is the Antichrist for many years, and they all fail to live up to their devilish potential . . . well, that's enough to make even the best prophet a little gun-shy.

Jack bills himself as “The Walking Bible” because he's memorized over 16,000 bible verses. Cool. I guess that means I can call myself “The Walking Elvis Costello”. Someone tell Elvis to sit down. Jack also likes to condemn our dreadful modern ways, so at least we have that in common. On a recent program, Jack came down on modern churches “with their rock bands and chorus lines and lattes on Sunday mornings”. That's what I'm talking about. Religion ain't fun if it ain't crazy, and Jack is nothing if he's not crazy.

Fearless reader, stop depriving yourself. Get to know Jack.  Before it's too late . . . 

Tell 'em why, Rexella.


  1. I love your article and agree w/ you on everything.

    Allow me to quote the song "The Reflecting God", "Light a candle full of sinners. Set the world on fire". This includes Jack Van Impe and his wife. Can someone prescribe them a cup of STFU?!

  2. He must quote all 16,000 of those memorized verses during each episode of that show of his.

    You think he would start picking world leaders that most of us would agree are at least dastardly, if not evil. He's had plenty to choose from.

    Then again, there are an alarming number of people jumping on the Obama = Old Scratch bandwagon.

  3. Since you wrote this article Jack Van Idiot has had a massive brainfart & his memorized bible verses has dropped to 15000 only to be replaced by hundreds of "coded time events". But to find out what those are you'll hafta buy his "jvi prophecy bible" which is a bible he wrote himself, in red letter crayon to support his non-existant weekly end of the world.

    Trivia: his basset hound voiced announcer is called Chuck Ohman as in "Oh man I can't believe I'm still reading this shit on tv!!!"


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Journalism of Crap: Geraldo Edition

For the last 30 years, Geraldo Rivera’s career has been marked by one spectacularly lucrative failure after another.His incompetence is legendary. His lack of good judgment is astonishing.His ability to remain employed is miraculous.If failure was an Olympic event, Geraldo would probably find a way to lose that, too.The man is a veritable crap factory, producing journalistic excrement with the regularity of a malevolent metronome.Let us take a moment to reflect.

1986 – Al Capone’s Vault During the renovation of a Chicago hotel that Al Capone had once inhabited, a system of secret tunnels was discovered that led straight to Geraldo Rivera’s ego.A two-hour live special was constructed around the opening of a secret room in one of the secret tunnels, a room dubbed Al Capone’s vault.The hype leading up to this show was extraordinary.It was suggested that the opening of the vault might reveal anything from masses of money to bunches of bodies.In the end, the only things Geraldo found were so…

Alcoholic Crap: Old Crow

There are many things in this mean old world of ours that I don't understand.  I don't understand why people want vampires that send them FTD bouquets.  I don't understand why people like music without melodies.  I don't understand Mandarin Chinese.  I could fill a book with all the things I don't understand.  And I think I'd have to dedicate a chapter of that book to the subject of alcohol snobs and their expensive follies.

Those of us who drink professionally understand that the goal of the entire imbibication process is inebriation, not another extraneous culinary experience.   Anything that gets in the way of that inebriation is the enemy, and there are several things that can get in the way.  Sugary, fruity, girly drinks, for example.  You can't drink very much of that stuff without losing your ethnic cuisine in the nearest alley, and puking is enough to dampen any sensible person's fun.  Some people never learn that lesson.  Those people a…